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It’s hard to show up and be yourself when you don’t truly know who you are. I realized this about three years ago when it seemed like my life was falling apart. My mental health was at an all-time low; my relationships with friends and family were teetering on the edge. I didn’t know how to communicate, had no idea what I was going to do with my life, lacked hobbies, and had no motivation to pursue the things I once loved.
On the outside, I had it all together. I was at a top university, getting good grades, had cool internships, and support from my family. I was living with two close friends in our own apartment, and had an active social life— things seemed good. And yet, I was struggling and couldn’t figure out why. The answer to this “why” was that I didn’t know who I was and I didn’t know where to begin looking for myself.
Uncomfortable Truths of An Inauthentic Life
Since I’ve started searching for who I am, I’ve come to the conclusion that most humans are taught from a very early age to be insecure. Somewhere along the way, somebody inadvertently will teach a child that they need to change; that something about who they are is not okay, not enough, too much, or broken. These accidental lessons completely change the course of our lives, by eroding who we really are, little by little. The result is adults who do not feel comfortable expressing or validating their needs, wants, experiences, or feelings, both with themselves and with others.
For as long as I could remember, I felt disconnected from myself and the rest of the world. It was as if there was an uncrossable river between me and anyone else. In social settings, there were many times when I interacted with someone and was afraid to show them who I was, so I just didn’t. Instead, I put on the mask of the person I thought they wanted to know. Each time I did this, I abandoned myself, and the fear that the other person would figure me out and dislike who I really was grew. Three years into my healing journey, I still catch myself doing this. Now, my discomfort comes not from feeling disconnected, but from recognizing that once again I didn’t show up for myself. And how can you be authentically yourself if you can’t show up for yourself? The thing is, you can’t.
See, that’s something I had to learn by myself. My hope is that if you relate to anything I’ve shared on this platform, you can learn with me instead of starting alone. I found that to be myself, I had to do the opposite of what my mind wanted me to do. When I didn’t want to speak up, I spoke up. When I didn’t want to act, I acted. When someone asked me a question and I felt ashamed or embarrassed by the real answer, I told them the truth anyway. I lived most of my life inauthentically, so when it came to introducing authenticity into the picture, it felt unnatural. But I did it anyway.
I know I’m not alone with these experiences. Whenever I find the courage to open up to friends or family about what I’m going through, nine out of ten times their response is along the lines of, “Wow, I know exactly what you mean.”
Peeling Off The Mask
Someone recently told me that one thing that makes me beautiful is how I show up to the best of my ability as myself. They said they didn’t understand how I could do that and that they don’t like themselves enough to try. What that person doesn’t see is that I’m still learning. It is a flimsy and painful process of trial and error, accompanied by shaky self-esteem and a completely dysregulated nervous system that I’m doing my best to rewire. It all feels incredibly emotionally and physically uncomfortable.
Throughout the process of peeling layers off of my mask, I’ve struggled with the fear that people won’t like me for who I am. The reality is, sometimes they don’t. I’ve come to learn that this is because not everyone in the world is meant to be in my world. The more I practice authenticity, the more I attract those who are meant to be in my life, rather than those my mask attracts. These two types of people are very different, and I sometimes wonder if the person I am today would connect with some of the people who used to be closest to me for this very reason.
You know when you are watching a series and learn that the lives of the actor and their character are completely different? The same happens when we remove the mask and start living authentically. Your life will look very different depending on who you are. And that means that another big challenge of starting to be authentic is that your life completely changes. At least, mine did. The people I was surrounded by, my hobbies, my thoughts and perspectives on the world, my personality, and my dreams—they all changed. The life that went with that other version of me disappeared because that other person disappeared. Now, I’m experiencing the life that aligns with who I am: my life.
My Authentic Life:
Genuine friendships based on trust and shared interests.
Creating a space where I can explore my passion for writing (Noopi!).
Knowing the direction I want my career to take.
Honest and close relationships with family members.
Reconnecting with lost friends and building stronger bonds.
Feeling in touch with my creativity on a daily basis.
Putting myself out there to face my fear of singing in public and creating opportunities for myself around this hobby (I went from singing alone to regularly singing on stage at a local bar in my city).
Building a life for myself on the other side of the world.
Living alone for the first time in my life and giving myself a space that feels safe and comforting.
Feeling more comfortable in my own skin than ever before.
No longer hating myself.
Learning how to love myself.
Having long-term goals and dreams based on my own personality and interests rather than those of my parents, friends, or peers.
Sharing my passions and talents with those around me instead of hiding from the world as I used to.
Helping others find their way by sharing my experiences with healing from my childhood trauma, getting sober, and discovering who I am.
Don’t quit before the magic happens.
If you relate to this article, you’re in the right place.
Have you struggled with showing up for yourself and in your relationships? Do you find it hard to act authentically? Do you want to start healing?
If so, you have a community of people around you who are trying to do the same. You just need to start talking about it, and you will find them.
On the days when it seems too hard or like you‘ll never reach where you want to be, don’t stop. Keep going. One day, you might be one of the lucky ones who experiences what life is truly like when you live it unapologetically as yourself, rather than as who the world has made you think you need to be.
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