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Have you ever noticed how easy it is to spot things we dislike in others? I don’t know about you, but my mind sometimes races when I walk into a room, especially when there are many people I don’t know. It’s almost like my ego is trying to protect me-like it is trying to shield me from things it doesn’t want in my life. Unfortunately, I’ve become acquainted with this phrase: if you spot it, you got it. In these cases, the things I am spotting are the faces of my shadow.
The shadow is the part of us that we believe to be unacceptable. It is in conflict with what our ego wants us to be. While we might go most of our lives doing a pretty good job of keeping it hidden from ourselves, that isn’t the case for others. They see right through us and witness our “unacceptable” parts in action. That is the way the shadow works: we see our shadow selves in others. The easiest way I’ve learned how to spot my own shadow is by paying attention to what I hate the most in others. When another person’s characteristics upset me and I hold it against them, I inadvertently meet a new part of my shadow. Some examples of these characteristics might include anger, selfishness, and judgmentalism.
Many times, we share the traits that we notice in others. I have found that sometimes, when I spot a trait in someone that triggers disdain, and I judge them, what is happening is I am judging myself. Recently my brother and I were discussing the subject, and he shared a bit about his shadow with me. “I hate when people don’t tell you about small things that upset them, and instead act passive-aggressive,” he said. “But when I think about it I do that all the time.” He continued by sharing how this insight motivated him to put more effort into his communication with others. It was pretty awesome to see because, for him, shadow work wasn’t just about acknowledging his challenges; it led to real changes in his life.
Not only can we learn things about our present through shadow work, but we can also learn about our past. While you might have some parts of your shadow that show up in the ways you are similar to those you judge, sometimes, the things we dislike in others are the opposite of our characteristics. Maybe you are a quiet and shy person who gets envious of people who are loud and seemingly always the center of attention. Or you could be someone constantly working and running around doing things, who resents those who live a slow and more relaxed (what you might call lazy) lifestyle. From my own experiences, I have learned that when I dislike something in others, and I don’t necessarily have it in common with them, it is usually the result of a deeper wound. Most of the time, I find that these wounds tie back to my childhood. Let’s apply this to the two examples I gave you before:
The quiet and shy person who is envious of those who are loud and the center of attention might have been shamed for being obnoxious sometime in the past. When we are shamed, we internalize a message that tells us we are bad (not to be confused with guilt, which tells us something we did was bad). So if someone is shamed and told they are obnoxious, then what might happen is that every time they do something that they think might be considered obnoxious, a little voice in the back of their head will tell them they are bad. So they stop doing things that they think are obnoxious, even if they want to because they don’t want to feel shame. This then leads them to act shy, but it isn’t because they are shy or quiet, it is because they are afraid to be loud.
Now let’s look at the other example:
If someone is constantly working and is resentful toward those who live what they might deem a lazy lifestyle, they might have been shamed for being lazy at some point in their lives. Just as with the other example, if the shame internalizes, and they develop a message in their heads that tells them they are bad if they are lazy, they might never let themselves do anything that could be seen as lazy, whether that’s binge-watching TV, sleeping in, canceling plans, or not doing a task they think they should be doing. They never stop and eventually exhaust themselves. Again, it’s not because they are natural go-getters. It is out of fear of feeling shame. These are learned behaviors that we developed to protect ourselves.
The mere noticing of your shadow is just the beginning of this work. Embracing the shadow self is much more than this: It is an act of self-love, and a profound step towards authenticity and wholeness. The hard part is taking action, and it involves a seemingly simple, but incredibly difficult word: acceptance. We have to learn to accept these parts of ourselves that we hide away and bring them into the light. This is how we heal and grow.
If you hate the way you look, take five minutes to look at yourself in the mirror, every day, and tell yourself that you love yourself, even if it isn’t true, yet. If you’re afraid to be seen as selfish, start finding small ways to prioritize yourself and your needs, and work your way up to bigger things. If you hate that you aren’t a good listener, practice listening to others, and try going into a conversation with the sole purpose of learning something new about someone else. Whatever, your mind tells you to do, do the opposite.
Many of you might find this work to be very challenging. That’s because it is. Unlearning learned behaviors and thought patterns that you have been using your entire life is incredibly difficult. It quite literally rewires your brain so that you think, feel, and act in new ways. If you choose to pursue this path of meeting your shadow and working to accept every part of yourself (including the parts you don’t want to acknowledge exist), be sure to give yourself a lot of compassion and love. It isn’t easy.
It is also really difficult to do this kind of work alone. It can bring up painful feelings and memories, that we have been alone with our whole lives. Make sure you have support made up of people you trust and who can love you while you learn how to love yourself. Communities exist, you just have to look for them and be willing to be truly seen by others.
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