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We live in a world filled with distractions and most of us seek them with intention, despite our best efforts to appear one with the present moment. This includes streaming services (Netflix, Hulu, Disney+), smart-phones, drinking, drug use, dating apps, shopping, diets, rigorous workout regimens, the use of intellect, sarcasm and joking, excessive cleaning, living to work rather than working to live, etc. With these distractions, we keep our feelings out of reach. If you go and sit anywhere where there are people, and you pay attention, you can see this in action. We are constantly looking to avoid our emotions by reaching out for anything that will give us a hit of dopamine and make us feel good. We chase this feeling. And as a result, many times we end up avoiding the less comfortable emotions, which can do more harm than good without us realizing it.
To feel is to be human. Emotions provide us with information that guides our interactions with the world; they are our survival instincts. ‘Positive’ emotions (joy, pride, excitement) lead to repetition. They cause a chemical reaction in our brain which lowers stress in the body, and makes us feel good. ‘Negative’ emotions such as sadness, fear, anger, rage, and shame, push us into our sympathetic nervous system, more commonly known as the fight or flight response. Our bodies inherently know how to react when our present circumstances are challenged. However, when we encounter these ‘negative’ emotions, it can be painful, and it is natural to want to avoid the discomfort of pain. Another way to name this pain is to call it unexpressed grief. While this may sound dramatic to some, any little thing can be grieved, from someone making a comment that offended you to the loss of something or someone. Everyone perceives the world differently. You don’t have to face something really intense to call it grief.
Feeling grief is mentally exhausting, overwhelming, and uncomfortable. It can be physically painful, too. Our bodies hold onto emotional pain, you see. Whenever we live through any sort of trauma, it gets trapped in our bodies until we release it. Children automatically do this; you see them throwing tantrums, and running, flailing, and making faces or shaking. They unapologetically listen to their bodies and when they feel tension or trapped energy, they get rid of it. However, society has told us it is frowned upon for adults to start shaking their arms or stomping their feet, or simply starting to cry without hiding it. We have been taught to ignore those impulses and act “properly”. So, when we don’t do anything about this trapped emotional energy, it manifests itself in other ways, which can lead to physical pain. Some examples could be gastrointestinal issues, joint pain, muscle aches, headaches, problems with vision, chest pains, etc.
I’ve had my own experience with this. For years, I lived with extreme pain and inflammation in my hands and wrists. I was initially diagnosed with tendonitis, and had to wear wrist braces on a regular basis. Later I was informed that the tendonitis was a misdiagnosis and that I had Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, an autoimmune disorder. Many tests were done to determine if I was going to need to take medication for the rest of my life; medication that is known to have many challenging side effects. Through these tests, my doctors realized it was yet another misdiagnosis because while I had all the symptoms of the disorder, there was no physiological evidence of it in my body. Nobody could quite figure out why I was experiencing my symptoms, and I was left without a solution.
A few years later, I began a type of therapy called Somatic Experiencing (explained in more depth below). I had been referred to this method of therapy after going through intense trauma recovery to start healing from abuse that happened in my childhood. In SE sessions, I was taught to seek out and directly focus on the trapped emotional energy that I hadn’t dealt with my whole life. Before this, any time those feelings surfaced, I shoved them back down with distractions, from watching too much TV and isolating myself to using drugs and alcohol, and everything in between. Pretty much anything that elicited the ‘positive’ emotions or that simply removed all the ‘negative’ ones and left me blissfully numb. After just a few months of work with a trained somatic therapist, the pain in my wrists and hands subsided, giving me relief after almost ten years of living in pain that frequently left me unable to do simple tasks such as gripping the steering wheel of my car and turning door knobs. Furthermore, I’ve noticed the pain only flares up when I am in moments of extreme emotional stress, reinforcing the proof that the issue might not necessarily be only medical.
I am not the exception. There are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of people who grapple with chronic pain and discomfort, or receive various diagnoses that lead to a lifetime of taking toxic pharmaceuticals. And yes, while physical health in many cases can be improved, most never truly get relief. What if the answer to their pain could be to feel? Sadly, most people don’t know that their discomfort may be caused by repressed grief. I believe it is so important to share with others what I’ve been through because if it helps just one other person, that’s a big deal.
Unfortunately for us, society has conditioned us to keep moving forward. Again, it is a basic method of survival: avoid pain and adapt to your environment and circumstances. The past has been deemed irrelevant. But constantly moving on from things is maladaptive. When we don’t deal with our feelings they follow us through our lives. Most people struggle to a degree on a daily basis because of this. In my experience, depending on the person and situation, they will continue to struggle until they take action to change their lives. It comes down to whether or not someone is sick and tired of being sick and tired.
So, how do you do this? The answer is simple: sit and do nothing. When feelings arise, don’t distract! Sit with yourself, and if you believe in a higher power, sit with them too. Be with yourself in the discomfort. Be with the little kid within you—your inner child. Learn to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. You’ll be surprised. It is much harder than it sounds. Some may not know how to dig up these feelings to begin with. Many techniques meant to help people access their emotions exist. Most talked about is therapy. Many types of therapy exist. Providers specialize in a plethora of things, so if you choose to pursue this path, ask practitioners what kinds of clients they work with and what their own lives look like. I recommend trying to find someone to work with who knows what you are going through because they experienced and worked through it themselves. I can be so much more helpful than working with someone who only knows your struggles from a clinical, textbook perspective.
If you’re interested in the physical manifestations of grief and trapped emotions, consider looking into Somatic Experiencing, as I did. This practice is focused on targeting trapped energy in our bodies through various tapping, pressure and movement exercises involving another person and props. Through practice, you can learn to navigate your grief, locate where it is trapped in your body, and release it in a controlled manner.
Outside of therapy, there are support groups you can join for any given problem humans face. If you can think of it, it exists; you just have to find it. Other methods of getting in touch with your feelings include mindfulness, which is centered around being present in the moment; spiritual work, which is a great way to connect with the rest of the world; and anything related to connecting back to your true self or inner child. Journaling and meditation, acupuncture, massage, reiki, and other energy work can also be helpful.
In a nutshell, the only way out is through. When we don’t deal with our emotions and listen to what our bodies need from us, we will be stuck in an uncomfortable spot. If you are ready for change to start happening in your life, you are in the right place. This is a lifelong practice. Feeling your feelings once probably won’t be enough. They will most likely come and go throughout your life. But, as soon as you start letting yourself feel your emotions, they will go away for a while, and you might finally get a little relief.
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